As family members age and if significant care decisions need to be made there can be differences of opinion within a family as to the best care route for a person to take. As we all know, we all have our own perspectives, differing beliefs, values and preferences which can cause conflict when these decisions need to be made.
Who should make the decision about care
Family members, in most cases, have their relative’s best interests at heart and it can be distressing to see their parents, friends or other loved ones struggling with daily activities.
This is especially true if they are having difficulty maintaining their habits, hobbies and social lives, or if, for example, they are experiencing falls, not eating well or feeling anxious when alone. These concerns are completely natural, because of course the instinct to protect our loved ones is strong, much like how our parents protected us as we grew up.
However, there is one very key piece of information that every family needs to know, which is actually set down in law, and that is that the individual him or herself has the legal right to make their own decision, so whilst family members can of course express their opinions it is the individual with increasing needs that is the decision maker, in most cases.
This principle is detailed in the Mental Capacity Act 2005 which includes a statement that ‘people have the right to make what others might think are unwise or eccentric decisions.
Who Makes the Decision if my Relative does not have Mental Capacity
Of course, there are occasions when a person lacks the mental capacity to make their own decision about care. Where this is the case, decisions should be made on a best interest basis by the person’s Power of Attorney or another decision maker where needed.
Making Best Interests Decision
Wherever possible a person should be supported to make their own decision and their previously expressed wishes and preferences, moral, political and religious views should all be born in mind.
In order to make the most informed best interest decision about care it is important to gather all relevant information, which includes understanding the medical needs of the family member; consulting with health and care professionals involved in their care to get a clear picture of their health status and future care needs, whilst also bearing in mind the costs associated with various care options, long term sustainability and of course speaking to family who know them well.
When Family Members Disagree on Care Options
There could be a variety of reasons why family members have differing views which is likely to include family dynamics and differing emotional responses. It’s important to bear in mind that each person will be viewing the situation from different perspectives; one could be providing daily care to their loved one and is seeing first-hand how care needs are being met, another sibling might live further away and sees the toll that caring is putting on their sibling or their other parent.
A parent may unexpectedly find that their son or daughter doesn’t agree with what they would prefer to do or two siblings might disagree with what they feel is in the best interests of their parent.
What’s the key?
Understanding each other’s Viewpoints
Ultimately, no parent wants to see their children in conflict with each other and it might actually not be in their parent’s best interests to see them disagreeing.
As a result, trying to resolve disagreements is important and understanding viewpoints and emotions can help create a foundation for resolution and agreement. Recognise that fear, guilt and sadness could be the underlying reasons for a person’s views. Make an effort to understand the concerns and motivations behind each person’s stance.
Understanding the Facts
We often find a family can be helped a great deal if they are in possession of the same information.
Whether that’s
their parent’s wishes and preferences
the level of care needs, how they are being met, where they might not be being met
the family carer or spouse/partner’s views on how things are going and whether they are managing? Does the caring spouse have all the support that they need?
the care options that will meet the individual’s care needs in the best possible way from both a health and social need perspective and are these care options affordable on a short and long term basis? Take a look at our recent blog, Choosing the Right Care for more information.
Everyone being informed
If a parent has all the information that they need to plan the most appropriate next steps and they can talk to their family about the choices that they want to make it can help their family understand and accept their decision.
Similarly, if a son or daughter have different views on what they feel should happen, if both have the same facts and options that are within the available budget it can help them empathise with each other’s views and come to an agreement.
Getting an independent view?
A good way to help gather all of the information needed is to speak to an experienced and knowledgeable independent Care Adviser, who will then provide you with all the information you need and put it in writing, which you can share with another family member.
Social Services provide an independent voice, can carry out a Care Needs Assessment and if a person’s savings are close to the Care Act’s stated level that enables a person to be considered for a contribution towards the cost of their care, the local authority should be contacted anyway.
Prioritising the Family Member’s Wellbeing
The primary goal should be the wellbeing of the elderly family member which also includes respecting their decision. Keeping their best interests at the forefront can help unify the family towards a common purpose. Focus on shared objectives like safety, comfort, and happiness. Be open to and understand that plans may need to change as circumstances change over time.
How we help
If you'd like to arrange a telephone consultation or care advice visit with one of our Care Advisers to discuss the different care, support and funding options available for you or your family member, make an appointment with one of our expert Grace Care Advisers. We provide a listening ear and help you become fully informed on the options and can find the support you need.
Grace Consulting are the UK’s founding providers of expert independent advice on elderly care advice, neurodiversity advice and special needs advice.
Independence and client wellbeing are at the heart of everything we do. We listen, reassure and advise you on how to move forwards and find the best possible solutions for your unique life challenges.
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